Monday, March 7, 2016


I was raised believing I was incredible.
 never in my life have I doubted that my family doesn't love me or isn't incredibly proud of me.
 perhaps that is what's missing. perhaps a lack of shame or urgency has stagnated me. 
I've broken down because I have ignored the "check engine" light in the back of my mind because I never thought I should worry about it.
 the fantasy version I've constructed of myself can do no wrong, but this facade is cracked like my windshield.
 there are things about myself that I don't like.
 I don't like that I distract myself the moment I am faced with an obstacle, 
I don't like that I've become so hungry for affection that I'm willing to manipulate people to get it.
 I don't like that I catch myself feeling empty and thinking that other people can compensate for that. 
 mostly what I don't like about myself is simply that,
 I don't like myself.
I have been fired from my job,
I have been falling behind in school,
 and feeling so lonely that I've resorted to using dating websites and hook-up apps.
 the "check Engine light" has been replaced by an unhealthy rattling screeching sound, 
  my trunk wont close, the crack in my windshield seems to grow a little every day, my headlights are dimming on a dark road, and I'm pretty sure there is something wrong with my blinkers... 
 It is time to either get a full overhaul or get a new car, and although my ACTUAL car has all these problems, I don't have the money to do anything about it.
 but as for me, my money is time, and I think its Time I spent on myself.
 maybe get a few loose screws tightened, re-calibrate, brighten up, pop a few dents, god knows my stick shift needs some attention... 
but mostly its time to fill up on gas, and make a decision on where this moving wreck is headed.