never in my life have I doubted that my family doesn't love me or isn't incredibly proud of me.
perhaps that is what's missing. perhaps a lack of shame or urgency has stagnated me.
I've broken down because I have ignored the "check engine" light in the back of my mind because I never thought I should worry about it.
the fantasy version I've constructed of myself can do no wrong, but this facade is cracked like my windshield.
there are things about myself that I don't like.
I don't like that I distract myself the moment I am faced with an obstacle,
I don't like that I've become so hungry for affection that I'm willing to manipulate people to get it.
I don't like that I catch myself feeling empty and thinking that other people can compensate for that.
mostly what I don't like about myself is simply that,
I don't like myself.
I have been fired from my job,
I have been falling behind in school,
and feeling so lonely that I've resorted to using dating websites and hook-up apps.
the "check Engine light" has been replaced by an unhealthy rattling screeching sound,
my trunk wont close, the crack in my windshield seems to grow a little every day, my headlights are dimming on a dark road, and I'm pretty sure there is something wrong with my blinkers...
It is time to either get a full overhaul or get a new car, and although my ACTUAL car has all these problems, I don't have the money to do anything about it.
but as for me, my money is time, and I think its Time I spent on myself.
maybe get a few loose screws tightened, re-calibrate, brighten up, pop a few dents, god knows my stick shift needs some attention...
but mostly its time to fill up on gas, and make a decision on where this moving wreck is headed.
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