Tuesday, May 30, 2017

To and Fro

I try to do one thing, and I end up giving up and starting something else, either because it is too hard or because I have lost interest in the thing I was doing, or sometimes it is because something more interesting has popped into my head and I will suddenly divert all of my attention towards this new exciting project!
 Until of course I am distracted by something else. the cycle seems perpetual unless I'm medicated.

I no longer have issues with the fact that I'm only functional member of society unless I have amphetamines running through my veins. I no longer take issue with the fact that I will need help sometimes to get what I want. I'm less irked by the fact that defining factors of my personality are easily redefined and "remedied" by a pill.

what bothers me is that I'm naturally ambitious, 
and it is a quality that I have learned to tie down and strangle with a thread of past failures and disappointments. I ride on a seesaw of passionate enthusiasm juxtaposed with numbing crushing disappointment. the ups and downs of life are chafing me. 
and apparently talcum powder causes cancer. 
some people are better at making chafing look like a swagger, I am not one of them now. but on the next swing up I might feel differently.

Saturday, March 18, 2017

Temporary Center

I stepped out of a hot shower this morning  to find light coming from the window making all the steam in the small bathroom glow.
It moved and rippled with every move I made, and as I raised my hand the steam around it floated off and away from it, pushed away by my body heat. Suddenly I was a Poseidon at the center of a vast ocean. Every breath I took caused a tide, and with the smallest gesture little hurricanes burst from my fingertips. As I dried myself off and began to dress, specks of dust came floating from my clothes. the dust mingling with the steam created small solar systems before my eyes, I gently spun and the tiny stars spun around me. I became the center of a galaxy in my aunt’s tiny bathroom.

The world does not revolve around me. I allow my insignificance to be a factor of liberation rather than discontent to counter  my egocentric mindset. But all the points on a scale are  subjective. Everything is subjective except facts. Facts are like physical objects, they can be buried, crushed, or burnt, but their mass will remain constant and they could never truly disappear or change. Truth on the other hand, is a concept, Truth is pliable, personal, perishable, part of how we see ourselves. And while the fact remains that I am an insignificant speck in a vast, cold and uncaring universe. My truth changed for a moment today, and I enjoyed being me.