Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Orpheus has logged out

She hits me like a lightning bolt.
A quick pop-up flashes on the bottom of my screen accompanied by bubbly sound common among all messenger programs.
It might as well have sounded like thunder.
Its a message from her,
She says “ im ok”
she's answering a long dormant message I left her a few weeks back, maybe its a moment of weakness or pain or pride, Or basically the exact same reason that I caved in and wrote to her in the first place.
Still reeling from the shock-wave all I can manage is a small
I’m happy to hear that”
she asks a question that would take me hours to answer.
and u?”
some part of my brain that isn't still vibrating tells my fingers to write
im ok” back to her
She proceeds to tell me she's passed all her exams and she's moving on to her last year for her bachelors degree at university.
I have to go now, bye” she types.
out of the millions of things I wanted to say I manage to compress and compact it all into neat little-
im proud of you, bye”
she's gone.
The little green light indicating that she was online.
sitting in-front of a computer and talking to me turns into a little yellow
Leaving a chasm in her wake that sucks in everything like the punctured wall of a submarine
I feel like a ghost just ran through me.
And it takes effort not to follow that ghost,
not to charge after it into Hades wielding a lyre. Playing Cerberus a lullaby, rowing the river styx and charming the pants off of the big man himself, begging him to let me take it back, take back the ghost of the person I was when I was with her.
And yet all I can do is look back, all I can do is look back and doom myself over and over again as I send that ghost falling back into the pit because looking forward means I'll never see it again.
So I play this twisted version of soul yoyo.
Flinging my dead relationship up and down. Not letting it rest in peace but be trapped on a bungie-chord of self pity and longing.
Parting is such sweet sorrow.
A sweetness that has become a drug, taken again and again to fend of the harsh reality of growing up.

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