the opinions and adventures of a mammal going through a quarter life crisis
Tuesday, July 28, 2015
Orpheus has logged out
hits me like a lightning bolt.
quick pop-up flashes on the bottom of my screen accompanied by bubbly
sound common among all messenger programs.
might as well have sounded like thunder.
a message from her,
says “ im ok”
answering a long dormant message I left her a few weeks back, maybe
its a moment of weakness or pain or pride, Or basically the exact
same reason that I caved in and wrote to her in the first place.
reeling from the shock-wave all I can manage is a small
happy to hear that”
asks a question that would take me hours to answer.
part of my brain that isn't still vibrating tells my fingers to write
ok” back to her
proceeds to tell me she's passed all her exams and she's moving on to
her last year for her bachelors degree at university.
have to go now, bye” she types.
of the millions of things I wanted to say I manage to compress and
compact it all into neat little-
proud of you, bye”
little green light indicating that she was online.
in-front of a computer and talking to me turns into a little yellow
a chasm in her wake that sucks in everything like the punctured wall
of a submarine
feel like a ghost just ran through me.
it takes effort not to follow that ghost,
to charge after it into Hades wielding a lyre. Playing Cerberus a
lullaby, rowing the river styx and charming the pants off of the big
man himself, begging him to let me take it back, take back the ghost
of the person I was when I was with her.
yet all I can do is look back, all I can do is look back and doom
myself over and over again as I send that ghost falling back into the
pit because looking forward means I'll never see it again.
I play this twisted version of soul yoyo.
my dead relationship up and down. Not letting it rest in peace but be
trapped on a bungie-chord of self pity and longing.
is such sweet sorrow.
sweetness that has become a drug, taken again and again to fend of
the harsh reality of growing up.